• Bachelorette & Bridal Showers

^{Photo Credit: @kstuphotography}

I am officially 4 weeks away from my sister’s Bahamas-bound bachelorette, and I’m getting pretty amped up. 1) Because it’ll be my first overnight (3 actually) off mom duty 2) I haven’t been anywhere tropical since my honeymoon in Mexico almost 4 years ago and 3) We’ve got open bar access for nearly 72 hours. That’s a lot of Mai Tais… And my sister just left this morning for her friend's bachelorette. So, obvi it’s bachelorette season, baby. Whether your girls’ weekend starts now, in a few weeks or next month, you can be sure at least 5 out of the 7 things below will go down at some point during the bach bash.

Of course, not every weekend you wave goodbye to your bestie’s singlehood will play out like this, but if it doesn’t, we probs can’t be friends. JK. We just live for these nights, when we can press pause on adulting for a hot sec and party like our younger selves did. Kind of like the cast of Jersey Shore going back to Miami, #mid30sthenewearly20s. You just need to switch the Ron Ron juice out for bottle(s) of wine… As Jenni says, ‘we’re adults, we classy now.'

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Consider this your bachelorette party scavenger hunt scorecard. Whoever racks up the most points here gets ‘basic’ bragging rights, and levels up (errr down? 👎) on the liver transplant list….

And before you keep scrolling, remember, this is all for some LOLs and light Friday reading. It’s been a rough week - well, a week nonetheless - and you deserve some 🤣🤣🤣. Plus, you’ve probably gone to a couple of these parties before and had VERY similar experiences. Regardless, whatever bach you have/go to will be baller in its own right. No judgment!!

Cash flow negative.

You love your sister, cousin, best friend, work wife (whoever the blushing bride may be), and that’s why you’ll shut up now and bitch about her later, but by the end of the bachelorette, you’re going to feel like your money has seriously flown the F away 💸. Especially if your girl needed to have a destination bach, at an extra fancy resort, with no other way to get there other than flying. You’ll split the costs for the bride to get there, because you’re the best bridesmaid ever (or you’re taking cues from her), and chip in for all the fun frills, because they’re absolutely ‘necessary’ - food, booze, cute bathing suits, floats for the pool, cups to drink out of, etc. Add to that bailing your BFF out of jail in an unfamiliar state, or paying for one of the bridesmaids’ hospital visits after she fell off the bull or the Coyote Ugly bar and broke her arm, and you’ll pretty much be giving the bride an IOU as a wedding gift.

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Girls in the ring.

Inevitably, one or more of the girls will get into a fight. Sides will be taken. It’ll be a whole thing. Because it’s likely that the bridesmaids or overall crew have been getting along for the bride’s sake. Playing nice to keep her happy. But once everyone starts pounding shots, forgetting the reason they’re celebrating, and getting hella messy, it’s kind of ‘game on.’ So, whether it’s because one girl wanted ‘Bride Tribe’ one-pieces, while the other thought ‘Bride Squad’ was better, or they both just happened to like the same guy at the bar and one flirted flawlessly while the other failed miserably, it’ll probably come to a head. The hope is just that neither will end up getting punched in the head. A trip to Urgent Care can only further exacerbate the aforementioned brokeness.

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So many penises.

Nope, bachelorettes haven’t matured all that much in the last decade, penis paraphernalia is still a big part of the picture. Whether you’re going somewhere like “The Artful Bachelorette” and literally Picasso-ing some penises, relaxing in a pool in Palm Springs on phallic floats, or slurping pink drinks out of penis-shaped sippy cups from the beginning to the end (bonus points for penis-topped straws), if you’re not doing at least something with a d*** in your hand or one in your mouth 🤦‍♀️, you’re not doing it right. Of course, if that idea just skeeves you out to no end, you can always just throw a banner up that says “Same Penis Forever.” That works, too. Gummy guys’ parts also help for all the stress. There’s a lot of stress leading up to the bachelorette. It’s got to be bangin’.

Ultimatums issued // Validations made.

You’re all there because someone is getting married. Taking the plunge. Making it official. Signing off on the same penis forever ☝️. So, with all that talk of commitment and finality (happily ever after, of course), someone is bound to start throwing out ultimatums to their S.O. Don’t be surprised if, after lots of said pink drinks, one or more of the girls who are in serious relationships calls up their partner and makes them promise that they’ll be the next to get a ring on their finger. Or else. We’re not trying to be stereotypical here, with drunk girls wanting rocks and marriage proposals… but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. TBH, you’ve probably witnessed this happen at at least one big party a year since the first in your group of girlfriends got engaged.

On the flip side, you probably also have that one girl in the group who is soooo salty about the state of affairs (AKA her being single AF) that she hasn’t stopped pouring champs for hours or given anyone a break from her ‘pour me’ legitimizations. ‘Oh, I could be engaged/dating, but I’m focusing on my career RN.’ Yep, of course that’s the reason.

At least one pizza or taco party.

No matter how much avocado toast, acai bowls, or kale whatever you plan to eat on this two-to-three day retreat, there will always be a time and a place to binge on pizza or tacos. Even the bride who’s been in #beastmode (for the last 6+ months) to lose whatever weight she thinks she needs to lose before the wedding will inescapably fall victim to the aromas of extra cheese wafting in the air and/or the sound of crispy taco shells being ravaged from the next room when everyone gets home after last call. And it’s okay. Calories don’t count when you’re on a bachelorette. 😌 Said no one ever… If you’re all being good about your diet for the weekend. Guess you can always just whip out some hamburger balloons or whatever other Etsy decoration fit for foodies.

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Dance offs and the most girl power playlists.

Each night will - or should - involve dancing. Lots and lots and lots of dancing. We’re talking Banker’s Club vodka-fueled, senior year, off-campus-for-the-first-time turnt up-type dance sessions. Opening the pre-game with Beyoncé, moving onto Britney and Taylor, then Kesha and Lady Gaga at the bar, RiRi for the Uber ride home (if your driver doesn’t throw you out by the 4th rendition of “Umbrella,” he’s a freakin’ saint), and Madonna for bedtime. And it’s not just the epic playlist either, you’ll need to be having your own hoedown throwdown, too. So, if it’s Miley the bride wants, then Miley’s who she’ll get. That’s the whole reason your bride has a killer hashtag, duh, so that you can all take video, overthink the captions, add 40000 emojis, and post that s***show for the world to see. And we mean s***show in the most endearing way.

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Hellish hangovers.

You’ve looked forward to this weekend for months if not years (anyone else have a bachelorette pact that they made with their friends in college? #blackoutdrunkforeverybach?), so you’ve probably been in training to tighten up your tolerance - prosecco every night after work doesn’t stack up to the shots you took at da club way back when, right? Well, after this weekend, you’re probably going to swear off alcohol for at leastttttt a few weeks. Maybe next week if you need something to wash down all the guy-on-guy drama on The Bachelorette. That being said, photos of 🍾🍾🍾 need to happen, so you’ll need to put on your game face and get thirsty anyway you can. Boot and rallying isn’t below you at a bachelorette party. Remember that. When those hangovers hit you like a mack truck, just feel some comfort in the fact that you did it all together. And somehow made it out of the weekend alive.

Other honorable mentions:

• Facetimes + real time post comments from the knocked-up friend in your group who was way too preggo to make the party, but feeling so much FOMO that she stalked all of your social feeds for any+every morsel of debauchery she could find.
• Matching outfits in every iteration. Unicorns (whoops, no, uniforms) DO exist in girl world.
• That one friend who tries to make the bride cheat - because it's her 'last fling before the ring,' and doesn't succeed because, maturity. 

And obvi so much fun and bonding that you’ll cherish forever.

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